people all have something they're good at. be it in art, academics, singing, dancing, just being darn pretty etc etc. when i ask myself the question "what am i good at?" i will always end up being lost thinking hard what i have done something over and over and judging them as perfectly executed. and finally, at the back of my mind, nada. though self destructing it may sound, that's the truth. i have lived a mediocre type of life, and that this has totally evolved around what i even do.
when i was a little, i thought i'll be a great newscaster. i would read newspapers out loud in front of the mirror and be proud of myself that i read english language better than everyone else in school, maybe even than my english teacher. but i never grew up proud and boastful. that's the irony of it. sometimes i look at the mirror and see a different side of me--the side that i picture will definitely be someone big someday. maybe a newscaster or a writer. but the side of me that is shy and timid, went overboard and i decided, facing people is not my thing but maybe being behind the stories written is what i'll be good at. so i graduated with a degree in journalism. ( pardon for my irregular grammar and punctuations, this is unedited). and i thought i did good being conferred third highest honors in the whole university. but, i never fulfilled the dream i dreamed of when i was a little. is that good enough?
really, what motived me to take the course was when i got the biggest award i achieved in writing--the day Foundation for Worldwide People Power Movement led by former president cory aquino's son awarded my essay for 3rd best in national level. Whoever reads this, i apologize for the raving.
But boasting is not the point of my thoughts. what i really am concerned about is the question i keep asking myself "am i good enough?." and all i can say is, i did good at some point but never better, never the best.. and at some point too, some important people in my life make me question myself more if i'm even good enough being who i am and on what i do because i feel they don't believe in me. i hope i'm wrong...i know that i can never please everybody and i know living in mediocrity has some serious consequences. truth is, i'm not dumb, but never loved discovery and history channel--i learned from my grandma about old life, church, about the bible, school, about all other stuff, and my parents about love and compassion; i can write but never slept with a thesaurus in my hand or saw my name even on the cheapest tabloid in manila; i can shoot the camera, but never landed even mug shot in a magazine, i can do what i love doing, but will forever have to say "sorry, it's the best i got.."
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